Each quarter, groups of HPers in various business units perform a variation of a Kabuki play called “guidance.” It is a complex, multi-act performance with an audience of analysts from the data collection firms IDC, Gartner and others. The HPers have to follow an 8-page policy statement created and enforced by the Comptroller and members of a Disclosure Committee appointed by the HP Board.

The policy spells out who can provide guidance to the firms, when they can do it, and what they can and cannot say. For instance, aside from very senior management, no one can “give” data to the analysts. They can only do a “high-low, warm-cold” reaction to the analysts’ estimates. Giving actual data can be considered a breach of the HP Standard Code of Business Ethics.

Problems occur on the HP side when a “rogue” manager decides to work directly with the analyst firm, and outside of the guidance process. Irrespective of the intent or motivation of the manager, we can guarantee one outcome – the data given will be wrong. By the time the error is unraveled, hard feelings grow on both sides, and the culprit claims he was misquoted.

A major mental meltdown occurs on our side when an analyst sends a long questionnaire asking for detailed unit or revenue data, and none of the data fields are populated by the analyst. We pay a gazillion dollars a year for market sizing data and reports, and we are expected to do the analysts job giving him data he will feed back to us in his report. ¡Ya basta!

What other “high crimes and misdemeanors” have you seen during the quarterly numb3rs dance?