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Research, Technology, and Teamwork blog by Susie Wee

Susie Wee's Top 10 Tips for how to talk in groups

Published 24 May 2007, 01:00 PM

If you're like me and many other people in the world, you were not born with the ability to talk in groups. You might be kind of quiet or shy. You might think that you don't have anything important to add to a discussion. The thought of talking might make you a bit nervous. Or, you might not know how to interject in a lively fast-paced discussion.

In fact, you might have been trained to *not* talk in groups. You might have been trained to not say things unless you know they are 100% correct and validated with a rigorous background check. You might have been trained to not say something unless it makes a significant contribution over prior knowledge. You might have been implicitly trained in school into thinking that people who talk a lot in groups (class) are annoying. Your culture might speak against talking too much. As a result, you might even be at the point where you have decided that talking in groups is not your talent and not your style.

WARNING: Taking the approach of not talking in groups can be a career-limiting move. For career growth, it is important to be able to talk in groups to let your opinions be known and to influence discussions and decisions. It's also important to let people know who you are, what you're interested in, what you know, what you need, what you're good at, and what they can come to you for.

This post is dedicated to the quiet people out there. An important first step to learning how to talk in groups is to believe that it's important. Here are a few reasons on why it's important.

So, here are my Top 10 tips for how to talk in groups for quiet people.
  1. Say it, even if it's incremental. You don't have to wait until you have a monumental contribution to the conversation. If you are quiet, you will probably have a tendency to discount the importance of your own ideas and not say anything. You should remember that your insights are just as valuable as those of talkative people.
  2. Say it, even if it's obvious. There are times when it is useful to say things that are obvious to you and/or obvious to the group. One reason is because some things that are obvious to you are not always obvious to others- you'd be surprised at how often this is true. Also, saying obvious things plays the important role of setting the ground truth in the discussion. It also gives people the chance to agree or disagree, and if they agree it can be used as a baseboard of common understanding.
  3. Say things to let people know your interests and passions. If you find the conversation or topic interesting, they should know since there may be follow on actions or opportunities that result. If you register someone's interest in a topic, then you will know to contact them in the future when something comes up.
  4. Say things to let people know what areas you are knowledgeable in. It's important for you to let other people know what areas you have expertise in and what areas they can call on you for. Your knowledge is one of your biggest assets in the working world.
  5. Say things to let people know where you stand on things. Sometimes it is useful to let people know what you agree and disagree with. Note that staying quiet on something that you disagree with can imply that you agree with it.
  6. Say things that have already been said. Sometimes it is useful to repeat something that was already said. Don't worry, the repetition is not a waste of time. Rather, it has the purpose of sending a signal of agreement which in turn reinforces the point in the group discussion.
  7. Say things to move the discussion towards topics that are more interesting and useful to you and the group. We've all been in group discussions that have wandered away from the original purpose. Chances are that if you think the discussion should be changed in a certain way, then other people do too.
  8. Say things to help support other people's points. It helps establish the ground truth in the discussion... and the other person will appreciate it.
  9. Create a little space for yourself in a discussion with an overly talkative talker by saying "I have a story". Even if someone makes a point that interrupts the story, then get back to the story.
  10. Help another quiet person by giving them an avenue to talk. For example, you can say "Joe had some experience with xxxx. Joe, what do you think about this?"
  11. Bonus tip: Relax and have fun! You can make it a game to try to say things that positively influence the direction of a discussion. You can practice with every group discussion you are in, whether the group has 3, 30, or even 300 people.
  12. Ask clarifying questions. If you're confused, you're probably not alone. Also, asking clarifying questions helps encourage further discussion. [Contributed by Alex Vorbau.]
  13. Say it, even if there are senior people around. You might have grown up in a culture that has taught you to not speak when there are elders or more senior-level people around. Well, times have changed and it's important to speak up. Senior-level people are always on the lookout for good leaders to come up with new ideas and carry them forward, so they want to hear from junior-level people. By talking, you have a chance to make it clear that you are one of those leaders! And, you can still be respectful when you talk, which will keep you aligned with your culture. [Contributed by Zhishou Zhang.]
I plan to refine this list over time, so I'd love to hear you feedback.

Which tips are meaningful to you? Which tips are not? (Reminder: Learing is personal.)
Which tips do you disagree with?
Which are your most and least favorite tips?
Do you have a tip to add to the list?
Which tip should I remove to make room for a new one?

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Susie, This is a great post. I was one of those people (and in some ways I still am) who was trained that I should not say something unless it was either brilliant or defensible. I also strongly believed that my ideas were too obvious to say out loud. I think every one of my managers has asked me to speak up more often in meetings. Sometimes I didn't contribute because I was confused by what others were saying and I was too unsure of myself to ask them clarifying questions. I think the best lesson I have learned in my career so far is this: if I don't understand what someone is describing, especially when it's a technical topic, then there is a good chance that person is not explaining it clearly. I had always assumed the problem was that I wasn't smart enough to decipher their explanation. And that often was not true. Einstein famously said, "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough”. So I would add #12 to your list: if you're confused, you're probably not alone. Ask a clarifying question, which will also encourage further discussion. My final thought: It might be worth thinking about group discussion from a *leader's* perspective. There are things a good leader does to guide discussion that really help quiet people. For example, a mentor of mine in college taught me to include the quietest person in the discussion within the first 10 minutes or you might lose them. Also, and this is similar to what you said, include quiet people by first declaring their expertise and then asking them a specific question. For example, "Bob, you recently wrote a great paper about traversing firewalls, what do you think about what Alice just said". You're basically propping them up at the plate and then throwing them a softball, and it gets them in the game. The reality is that we all have insecurities and an environment with productive overachievers only heightens that tension (which is not necessarily a bad thing). The role a leader is to diffuse the tension and remove the barriers of entry into the conversation for the quieter people. Another reason quiet people don't speak: if the leader doesn't guide the discussion well, then the more dominant speakers will take the discussion down a rabbit trail to a point where the discussion is no longer worth contributing to. Take care...
# Thursday, May 24, 2007 05:40 PM by Alex Vorbau
Hi Alex: Thanks for the insights and for the feedback that you like the post!

If you don't mind me stealing your idea, I'll add your tip #12 to my list. And, great point about leadership. Yes, leaders play a big role in getting inputs from everybody, including the quiet people. This in turn leads to better and more creative results. I like your visuals of "propping them up" and "throwing them the ball" for helping out quiet people.

Finally, Yes, I would love to hear you talk more at meetings, as your comments always add lots of value to any group discussion I've been in with you. A part of why I wrote this post is because I do want you and all the other people in our lab contributing your ideas to our group discussions. I am very aware (and proud!) of the fact that all of you have much better ideas than me!

# Saturday, May 26, 2007 01:25 AM by Susie Wee
Great post, Susie. As you know, I'm a lawyer by training, and before I opened my business coaching lawyers, my job was to manage lawyers for a law firm. As you might suspect, the meeting contribution difficulties I witnessed most of the time was not that lawyers tend to speak up too *little*. So, I would add in a couple of tips to your list, dedicated to the lawyers and other verbose folks out there: 13. It is not imperative that you voice every feeling, thought, or idea that enters your head during a meeting. Culling your ideas is *at least* as important a skill as generating them. 14. Resist the urge to fill every pause or silence with commentary. Some people need a little quiet time to process their thoughts. 15. Banish the following phrase from your meeting vocabulary: "I think what [insert colleague's name here] is saying is . . ." Cheers. E.
# Tuesday, May 29, 2007 06:49 PM by erikmazzone
Hi Eric: Good point! I was thinking about putting a big note on the top that said this list was *only* for the quiet people who have a tendency to *not* talk. As you correctly point out, naturally talkative people get different tips. In fact, I think that your tips make it into the top 10 for the very talkative people.
# Wednesday, May 30, 2007 05:58 AM by Susie Wee
Susie, I love this post and found it particularly useful to me. Encouraged by your tips, I have something to add. In some culture, when senior guys are talking, the junior guys is better to keep silent, unless they have a brilliant point. A talkative guy might give "not-so-nice" impression to those senior guys. This might not be true in modern days, but that's how people were trained when they were kids. So, I suggest to add one more tip, "say it even if there are senior guys around". just my two cents. :)
# Friday, June 01, 2007 07:35 AM by zszhang
zszhang: Glad you like the tips. I like your addition and added it to the list. I think it will help the other quiet people out there. Thanks for "speaking up" with your comment and letting us know a little more about you!
# Friday, June 01, 2007 08:30 PM by Susie Wee

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